More articles by Brian JosepherWhat Are You Thinking?Story time. I thought I’d take a break from the hardcore politics of the last month or so and move into something more culturally pivotal. This is the story of a television show. Or more specifically, one night on the set during the live filming. This is:
What Are You Thinking?
RUPERT MURDOCH’S SEXUALITY
AND OTHER ISSUES OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE
(7:58 p.m.)
The television camera caught its subject slipping out of his suede jacket, then adjusting his blue jeans, making certain his zipper was left ajar and just a flash of hairless skin peeked below his form fitting Polo shirt.
Ronde had a nice form. Even his severest critics had to admit: If ever there was a body perfectly cut and smoothly sculpted and national audience enticing, his was it. Ronde knew the price for the build: very little dairy and very little snacking and rarely red meat and no more than one blueberry muffin (or two bran) per month, not to mention the vitamins and the muscle building substances (Creatine) and the many many hours in the gym, the seemingly endless squatting and crunching, the barbelling, jabbing the big bag, wind sprints every other day, etc., etc., etc. But the results… one critic called Ronde’s physique, “Something to behold.” Another critic, turned adoring fan, responded, “I wish that was something that I could hold.”
For proof of his development, go to www.WAYT.com and take a look at a picture of Ronde from 2001 and that first season of What Are You Thinking? on Fox.
Ronde then wasn’t America’s boytoy. In 2001 he went by the name Randy. He’d never modeled or acted or been an athlete or any of the usual routes that led to television success. Ronde then didn’t have an agent.
He did, however, have a superb idea and a friend with a connection to Rupert Murdoch, who owned and operated the Fox Network. What Are You Thinking? instantly became a hit. Ronde soon became a boytoy, although there might be some question as to his spot on the list. Whether he ranks up there with Justin Timberlake and Ashton Kutcher in boytoy glory is a worthy question. Though not ours today.
“Well, let’s go find our next victim... er, contestant,” Ronde said to the camera and the national audience.
The camera, and cameraman, followed the leader. Ronde ran off in a hurry. Ronde’s cameraman, Bruce, had no trouble keeping pace. Bruce was in good physical shape.
Ronde’s soundman, Tyrone (who insisted on Tie, spelled that way too), was not in good shape. Tie was a smoker and after ten to twelve paces, his breath became a hacking, attacking kind of experience. Ronde and Bruce always had to wait for their soundman.
What Are You Thinking? appeared every weeknight in one-minute segments. The show aired typically at a minute or two before the hour, in primetime.
What Are You Thinking? used a specific location in New York as its stage: the shopping district of the Upper East Side on Lexington Avenue between 58th and 64th Streets. The establishments within that vicinity included Bloomingdales, Nine West, William-Sonoma, two Starbucks (across the street from one another), Banana Republic, Diesel, Levi’s, Gap. The list goes on and on.
Occasionally the show traveled, like the trip to the Super Bowl (televised by Fox Sports) in 2003. During the 3-hour pregame show, Ronde conducted a series of interviews. Actually, “interviews” might not be the most accurate term. For Ronde always posed his one and only question: “What are you thinking?” Ronde never asked a second question.
At that Super Bowl the responses varied. One guy standing in line at the concession stand answered Ronde’s question with a truly profound, and truly American, retort: “What’s better, Coor’s Light or Miller?”
Another guy, doing another truly American exercise (tailgating), answered Ronde’s question with a huge barbecue-smothered smile. “I like my ribs just like my women,” he said, “raw and randy.” The man’s huge barbecue-smothered smile turned twangy. “Say,” he said, “didn’t your name used to be Randy?”
The best interview of the day came directly after Aerosmith’s 3-song set (about a half hour before kickoff). Ronde went up to an obvious Aerosmith fan and posed his question. The female, perhaps twenty years of age, had jumped on stage (at the request of the band) and done a little boogie with Steven Tyler. The dance had turned steamy and he’d kissed her. At the time of Ronde’s interview she had Steven Tyler’s sweat and make-up all over her face. The effects of Steven Tyler’s sweat and make-up made her giddy. “I love older men,” she screamed.
Rupert Murdoch called Ronde after the interview to offer his congratulations. In that conversation he uttered a now famous line. “So do I,” Rupert said.
The signal of his cell phone was picked up by various outlets. One of the outlets belonged to the New York Daily News, the main competition to the Rupert Murdoch-owned New York Post. The next day the headline in the Daily News was not, “Tampa Bay Buccaneers win Super Bowl XXXVII.” Or, “Bucs kick the Raiders.” But rather, “Is Rupert Murdoch gay?”
Rupert Murdoch issued a statement. “As an older man,” the statement read, “I find it charming that a young, beautiful woman might find an older man attractive. My comment meant to express that. I should have said, ‘I’m so glad.’ I do not have a crush on Steven Tyler.”
Back in New York, on live television, Ronde dashed into the Diesel store at Lexington and 60th. His presence, and Bruce’s camera a few steps behind, caused quite a loud ruckus. The commotion in fact nearly drowned out the screaming, thumping music pumped over the stereo at concert-level intensity.
Neither Ronde nor Bruce was surprised by the commotion factor. Tie, arriving late and in a bit of a coughing fit, found the noise startling. Not that such a reaction should have been surprising. But as the soundman Tie had a sensitivity to such things.
Diesel management and security instantly appeared. “We’ve told you before,” the Diesel manager said. “We don’t want you here.”
“Why?” Ronde asked.
“What do you mean why?” the manager responded. “Every time you come in here, you cause a problem. Every time.”
“Really?” Ronde asked.
“Really,” the manager replied.
“Well, we don’t want any problems,” Ronde said. “We’ll just be going.”
“Please,” the manager said.
But as Ronde stepped to the exit, a revolving door, he put his foot against the frame, momentarily halting all momentum. The one person in the revolving door instantly broke into a laughing fit. Evidently, she loved Ronde and she loved What Are You Thinking?. Evidently, she went to the Diesel store and the Levi’s store and all the rest during primetime, hoping for just such an interview opportunity.
“What are you thinking?” Ronde roared.
“I… love… you!” she yelled. “Ronde, I want to have your baby!”
Ronde didn’t respond to the girl. Instead, he turned to the camera and said, “Don’t forget to cast your vote for What Are You Thinking’s? best interview of last year. To cast your vote go to www.WAYT.com and follow the prompts. We’ll be counting down your choices on a special What Are You Thinking? Now, stay tuned for That ‘70s Show. Next on Fox.”
THE INFLUENCE OF BLUE JEANS
(7:59 – 8:47 p.m.)
On televisions across America the handsome and fresh face of Ronde faded, to be instantaneously replaced by the handsome and worn face of Kiefer Sutherland in a spot promotion for 24. At the Diesel store at Lexington and 60th Ronde took some time to shop. Ronde loved blue jeans. He bought them in surplus. He bought them in spades.
Unquestionably, Diesel was Ronde’s favorite brand. He never wore anything else on What Are You Thinking?. According to the rumors (never effectively squashed), What Are You Thinking? had an understanding with Diesel. At least once a night, the understanding went, Ronde would take his show into the flagship Diesel store on Lexington and 60th and create a ruckus. At least once a night Diesel management and security would threaten to throw him out. And once a night, as Ronde made for the exit (without argument), he would pose his question to some seemingly random individual. The arbitrary quality of the show was just the opposite. According to the rumors, the whole thing was staged.
Neither Ronde nor Rupert nor the Diesel Corporation ever adequately addressed the rumors. For that reason, according to the critics, What Are You Thinking? had a “professional wrestling feel” to it.
As for Ronde, he was not proud of the fact that he preferred Diesel over Levi’s. Levi’s was old school. Levi’s was the epitome of American culture. Levi’s was full of history. Levi’s, however, did not permit effortless movement. A pair of Levi’s jeans came with a sense of confinement, encasement. In Ronde’s case, the quads area was simply too snug. Levi’s didn’t account for the modern male. Levi’s still lived in the gold rush days.
Diesel on the other hand conformed to every contour, from the bulging quad to the toughened calf to a pelvic implant of any kind. Diesel made a comfortable fit for every possible curvature.
At this moment in time (8:30:21) Ronde didn’t care about his dissatisfaction with Levi’s. He stood in the dressing room of Diesel, before a full-length mirror. He looked at the product covering his legs. He liked the cut of the jeans; he didn’t know about the color.
Ronde stood in front of a mirror wearing a pair of red (actually, cherry-apple) jeans. Years ago, even six months ago, he would have considered jeans of any color other than blue a cop out, a heresy, a disaster.
He’d had a change of heart however in recent days and he’d yearned for color. Now here he was, considering not only the purchase of cherry-apple jeans but wearing them in the next segment of What Are You Thinking? in twenty minutes time. Ronde stood in the dressing room with a quandary. Ten minutes passed without a decision rendered.
TO MAKE A BIG BOLD HYPER CHANGE
(8:47 – :49 p.m.)
Ronde’s experiment with red jeans combusted in less than two minutes. Here’s what happened. In the dressing room Ronde decided to attempt what had never before been attempted before. He stepped on to the Diesel showroom floor in red jeans. He approached the cash register with his Diesel credit card in hand. The sudden silence in the store slowed his momentum. Gone were the shouts of excitement from jean buyers recognizing the host of What Are You Thinking?. Gone were the salesfolk with the complimentary remarks. Gone too was the “lookin’ good, boss” tag line usually exiting Bruce’s mouth. By the time Ronde reached the cash register even the screaming, thumping music pumped over the stereo at concert-level intensity had a hush factor. Ronde’s red jeans apparently had that kind of effect.
Still, Ronde didn’t flinch. “Courage,” he prodded himself. To make a big bold hyper change, one needed an inner voice of prodding. “Bravery,” Ronde prodded himself. “Guts.” He laid his credit card on the counter. “I’ll wear ‘em out,” he told the saleswoman.
She didn’t have time to say, “Sure.” She didn’t have time to say, “Will there be anything else tonight?” Or, “That will be one hundred and twenty-two dollars.” Or, “Thank you, Ronde. And, by the way, I love your show.”
Ronde’s soundman interrupted the transaction. “Dude,” Tie said, “what are you thinking?” And that was basically that. Ronde understood: The time wasn’t right for such a fundamental shift. The nation couldn’t handle the color change.
Ronde picked up his credit card and dashed back into the dressing room. By the time he reached the curtain, the sales staff was assisting customers and the music was screaming and thumping and both Tie and Bruce were adjusting their equipment, preparing for the next segment. By the time Ronde reached the dressing room, normalcy had returned.
THE HAZARDS OF WORKING AND EATING SIMULTANEOUSLY
(8:57 p.m.)
The camera caught its subject slipping out of his suede jacket, then adjusting his blue jeans, making certain his zipper was left ajar. Ronde hated the button fly. The button fly didn’t leave room for zipper malfunction (purposeful or otherwise).
“Well, let’s go find our next victim... er, contestant,” Ronde said. The camera, and cameraman, followed the leader. Ronde moved down the sidewalk in a full sprint, stopped on a dime, turned, gave a head and shoulders fake, and retraced his steps. He then stepped into a deli one giant step removed from his original starting point.
The millions of viewers watching the Fox Network after That ‘70s Show momentarily lost sight of their host. When Bruce and Tie – and Fox’s viewership – caught up to Ronde, he chewed on a sandwich. Bruce’s camera zoomed in on sauerkraut, mustard, hot pastrami. Bruce’s camera caught Ronde wiping his mouth with his hand. Ronde’s hand swipe missed a speckle of Russian dressing. Such are the hazards of working and eating simultaneously.
“How did the deli have time to make a Reuben?” a critic later responded. “As any good line cook knows, it takes less time to cook a really thick steak.” Nobody at What Are You Thinking? responded, providing further circumstantial evidence that the show was staged.
“And what about a napkin?” another critic responded. “God forbid that the boytoy actually wipes his face in a civilized, mannered way.”
In the deli Ronde posed his question to the first customer entering (a small man in a black and red checkered hunting jacket). As Ronde spoke, speckles of Russian dressing flew off in various directions. Had the customer been taller, he might have been struck in the forehead. But as it was, specks flew over the customer’s head (covered by a black and red checkered hunting cap) and smudged the recently-Windexed glass door.
“What are you thinking?” Ronde asked the man.
The customer replied, “A ham sandwich.”
Ronde, taken aback by the apparent non sequitur, repeated his question. The customer, thinking Ronde hadn’t heard properly, repeated his answer. Ronde ended the segment by scratching his head in confusion.
The head of the customer, as noted earlier, was covered by a black and red checkered hunting cap. The cap included oversized, flannel flaps for the ears. Excellent for warmth. Terrible for hearing.
The customer hadn’t heard Ronde’s question correctly. He thought Ronde was asking, “What are you eating?”
Not only did the customer misunderstand Ronde’s question but he misunderstood Ronde’s employment. The customer thought Ronde worked for the deli.
THE NINE O’CLOCK SNOOZE
(9:10 – :46 p.m.)
In the post-nine o’clock hour the What Are You Thinking? gang sat down in one of the deli’s booths. Ronde, having consumed the Reuben in lickety-split time, wasn’t hungry. Rather, he was drowsy. The digestion of pastrami and rye bread and swiss cheese will do that. So while Tie and Bruce ordered dinner, Ronde curled into an oval (knees against chest, feet tucked below butt) and closed his eyes. His suede jacket draped over his body assisted the falling asleep process. The softness of suede will do that.
Bruce and Tie spooned up swells of chicken soup and layers of liverwurst. They ate in a hurry. Neither used a napkin. Both used their hands instead. Meanwhile, Ronde dreamed. Unfortunately, he experienced his recurring nightmare. The nightmare went like this: Ronde on the set of What Are You Thinking?, the camera and sound in place, interviewees lined up awaiting the famous question and Ronde’s lips melded into one. Ronde muted as the world watched.
THE MIRACLE ON 62ND STREET
(9:58 – :59 p.m.)
The camera caught its subject slipping out of his suede jacket. Then he went against the flow by darting into oncoming traffic. Ronde resembled a mogul skier: weight on his toes, knees forward and slightly bent, his body displaying a wonderful flexibility and dexterity. Meanwhile, objects -– in this case, automobiles – whizzed by on his flanks.
Ronde turned one-way Lexington Avenue into the most challenging ski slope in North America. Both Bruce and Tie were blown away by Ronde’s prowess. As were the critics. “That man can definitely shred,” one later wrote.
The traffic light at Lexington and 62nd Street turned red, freeing Ronde from the rush of traffic. Around the nation the anxiety level momentarily eased. That was evident on the corner of Lex and 62nd, where both Bruce and Tie exhaled. That was evident at the White House, where the president held an intelligence gathering and a What Are You Thinking? peek-a-boo. That was evident down in the Everglades, where a party of teenagers (girls mainly) gathered to watch Fox’s primetime lineup (and eye ogle the Ashton Kutcher/Ronde/Ryan Seacrest trifecta). That was evident over in the Texas Panhandle, where a middle-aged couple sat in their living room with their hands covering their hearts (unaware that the other was doing the same). And that was evident on the border between San Diego and Tijuana, where border guards from both nations congregated at the country line to watch What Are You Thinking? every hour shortly before the hour.
With Fox’s top rated show (American Idol) due to begin in a minute and a half, and Fox’s viewership at its peak, Ronde knew this was a significant moment in America.
When the traffic light turned green, recreating the havoc of automobiles heading straight for the show’s host, Ronde put out one hand in stop sign significance. The fact that one car stopped, the front bumper inching up to Ronde’s boot-cut jeans, was a miracle. The fact that the next car stopped was another miracle. The fact that the car behind that one stopped... well, to quote from the headlines of the New York Post the next day: “The Miracle on 62nd Street.”
In the name of accuracy the headline should have read, “The Miracle near 62nd Street,” but that’s the New York Post for you.
At this moment in time (9:58:32) Ronde did not calmly approach the driver’s side door and pose his question, nor did he call out his question from his spot on the pavement. Rather, he belly flopped on to the hood of the beautiful black Mercedes sedan.
Fortunately for those viewing around the nation, the Mercedes did not have tinted windows. Bruce’s wide angle captured the scene in its entirety: the driver stunned beyond belief (the driver must have been new to the streets of New York), the passenger, sitting directly behind the driver, scratching his head in impatience.
The hair on the passenger’s head did not budge. Despite fingernails scratching scalp, despite the stopped cars honking and a fire truck approaching with its siren roaring, despite pedestrians noticing the scene and pointing and screaming, despite all of this hubbub, the passenger’s hair did not so much as shift one measly inch.
“What are you thinking?” Ronde shouted.
The driver hadn’t recovered from the shock. The passenger hadn’t gone into shock. The passenger’s name was Donald Trump and Donald Trump was unnerved by nothing, or so he claimed.
“What are you thinking?” Donald Trump shouted back.
Ronde, who normally did not answer a contestant’s reply, did in this case. “I want this car,” he shouted. “It’s the B. O. M. Bom, bom, bom.”
Ronde’s spelling, it should be noted, caused quite a stir among critics. “What is he, in first grade?” one critic wrote. Another responded to the first, “What are you talking about? My daughter, in kindergarten, can spell better.”
As for Donald Trump, he knew how to spell. “You A. S. S. H. O. L. E.,” he hollered at Ronde, “get off my car!”
Ronde, sensing the contestant’s frustration, followed orders. He slid off the hood. Fortunately, the light directing traffic at Lexington and 62nd showed red, interrupting the harried charge of automobiles. Donald Trump’s driver immediately stepped on the gas.
“The Incident with Donald Trump,” as critics later called the show, occurred a few minutes after the taping of The Apprentice. That program, recently purchased by Fox from NBC, starred Donald Trump as himself seeking a chief lieutenant. The question, for the critics, was a profound one: Was the incident staged? Was it all merely a plug for the Donald on Fox?
Neither Ronde nor Rupert nor Donald adequately addressed the issue.
As for Ronde, he stood on the safety of the sidewalk following the Incident with Donald Trump and said, “Well, that’s all for tonight. Stay tuned for Ryan, Simon, Randy, and the lovely Paula on American Idol. Next on Fox.” Sponsored by EnterTo.com the first REAL spam free email
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