More articles by Brian JosepherTalking Sex: a seriesTalking Sex: a series
Some six months ago, as part of my June “mailbag” column, I posed a question to my readership. I was then in the throes of a series on the presidential conventions of the latter half of the 20th century (leading up naturally to the Democratic and Republican Conventions of August and September, respectively) and I asked for suggestions on future series. The responses received were all over the board, from an exposé on Iraq (to partner with my series on Iran) to an analysis of the changing voting demographic in Colorado to a stand-up comedy dissection, comparing comedians today to those from the 1960s and 70s (great idea, Lenny. No, not that Lenny. That Lenny died in 1966.) to a full-scale investigation of the failed nation-state known as Pakistan to a compendium of the top psychics of the 20th century, like Joan Quigley, Nancy Reagan’s medium, seer, and White House staff member.
While all of these suggestions, and others not mentioned here, are full of potential, I’ve chosen an idea submitted by a Los Angeles sex therapist. “Why don’t you do a series about sex,” Dr. Ingrid Pearcenik wrote, “and how the different generations react to it? You know, the definition of sex changes according to your age. An 18-year-old’s definition is far different than a 90-year-old’s definition. You could interview individuals from different generations. I’m sure it would be fascinating.”
From Dr. Pearcenik’s suggestion this series springs. Over the next month or so I’m going to talk sex with a spread of volunteers. I’d call them patients, but Dr. Pearcenik thought that was too clinical. At the end of the series, I’m going to sit down with Ingrid Pearcenik and talk sexual activity in the 21st century. Dr. Pearcenik runs a clinic in Santa Monica, where sex therapists are as common as prairie dogs in Wyoming. Dr. Pearcenik, who drops the “r” in her last name and goes by Peacenik (she runs Peacenik’s on Pico: Sex Therapy for the Greater Southland), promises me that she is, in her words, “the top shrink in So Cal.” We will see.
However, in this first of the series, I’m interviewing a 19-year-old. Michael’s in his freshman year at college. He attends Wellesley in Connecticut. He plays on the lacrosse team. He studies “occasionally.” His word. At age 19, his thoughts tend to skip over academic subjects, and even sports, and go hard in one direction. Mike and I recently sat down for a talk on sex and girls.
Q: So let's get right to it, do you have a girlfriend?
Michael: NO!
Q: Mike, there's no shame in having a girlfriend. Some people even covet one. Not you, apparently.
Michael: I have this friend, Alex, plays on the lacrosse team. Alex says having a girlfriend is like pulling a hamstring. You know, a nagging injury, tough to recover from.
(Laughter on Mike's part, and mine.)
Q: Have you ever had a serious girlfriend?
Michael: No.
Q: What about sex, Mike?
Michael: What about it?
Q: Have you had sex?
(He does not answer. He blushes. Michael has a ruddy complexion. When he blushes, the ruddy goes scarlet.)
Q: You're welcome to say, "It's none of your business."
Michael: It's not that so much. It's just that... well, you know my dad and my mom and I just don't want it getting back to them. You know?
(A disclaimer: I met Michael through his grandfather, and indeed I am friendly with his parents. As a professional, this connection did not influence my thinking in any way. Of that, the reader can be assured.)
Q: I do know. Sex is a private matter. When you think about sex, is there somebody who really gets your heart racing?
(Again, Mike blushes scarlet.)
Q: What about celebrities? You must have a crush on someone?
Michael: Jessica Simpson.
Q: Jessica Simpson, what do you like about her?
Michael: On my god, she's gorgeous. What don't I like about her? You know what I mean?
Q: Actually, I don't. I don't think Jessica Simpson is much to gawk over.
Michael: You're kidding. Why don't you like her?
Q: A lot of reasons, Mike. She projects herself in such an unflattering way. Sex appeal, to me, is confidence, intelligence, strength of character, wit. She has none of that.
(Mike smiles during my answer. There’s a hint of disbelief in his smile.)
Q: Plus she’s a celebrity.
Michael: What’s wrong with that?
Q: I think celebrities are a turn off. To be a celebrity, there's a psychological obsession with being loved. Needing to be loved. I think that need factor is really ugly.
(The smile has not left Mike’s face.)
Q: I know, she has blond hair and a beautiful body.
(Mike nods his head.)
Q: Anybody else, other than Jessica Simpson?
(He can't think of anybody.)
Q: Really? Jessica Simpson is the end all?
(He shrugs his shoulders. He's a one-woman guy, I guess.)
Q: Let's switch subjects. Did your dad have the sex talk with you?
Michael: He tried. It was so awkward.
Q: I remember. My dad took two hours to say about twenty words. And he needed two big glasses of red wine to do it.
Michael: My dad drank a couple of beers. And we watched a football game together. His attention was always on the television screen.
Q: Did you ask him any questions?
Michael: Like what?
Q: The basics, how sex works? What makes a woman aroused? I mean, I’m assuming that you think about sex a lot.
Michael: Yeah but I don’t want to talk about it with my dad. I mean, if you think I’m gonna ask him for like advice you’re crazy.
Q: Where do you go for advice?
Michael: Friends.
Q: And you realize that your friends are all in the same boat as you, sort of wondering about sex without any real experience?
Michael: Well some guys have experience.
(Mike inflates when he makes this statement. He’s a big young man, well over six feet tall with broad shoulders. In his act of inflation, he resembles a hot air balloon filling up and puffing out in a uniform way. Mike can grow right before your eyes.)
Q: Of course, Mike. That’s not what I mean (that’s exactly what I mean). But let me ask you this, if there’s something you don’t know but are curious about, and something your friends don’t know, where do you go for the answers?
(Mike stumbles around in his answer. I’m reminded of Sarah Palin back when Katie Couric asked her the ultimate softball question: Which newspapers do you read? Sarah P. couldn’t name one, though she tried by naming “every one. All of them.”)
Q: Listen, when I was your age, my friends and I used to sit around watching videos. We were curious and the skin flicks offered visual content. What did we learn? Basic female anatomy. What goes where. It was educational.
Michael: Really?
Q: Yes, really. We were not getting off, at least as I remember it.
Michael: How old do you think someone should be to have sex?
Q: Good question. I think we all start to experiment at young ages. I don't think there's a specific age for intercourse. I can tell you that I was nineteen. I wasn't ready before that. I might not have been ready at nineteen. It just kind of happened. And do you know what? I felt relieved. I went to the bathroom afterwards and looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Well, that's over with." That was the extent of my reaction. Even today, I don’t remember if I liked the experience. I just remember being glad that it was over. No, I misspoke. Not glad. Glad implies happiness, joy. I felt relief. I was through with the anxiety of waiting, the buildup.
Michael: How do you get good at sex?
Q: Good question. Sex takes practice. It's like lacrosse. You become comfortable with the stick. You become comfortable with ball possession. As you get better at lacrosse, you're able to see the whole field. You're not just concentrating on one aspect of the game. You begin to anticipate other players' movements. There's the actual game and there's the mental imaging part of the game. Great lacrosse players are able to play the game out in their heads, and be right about it on the field. Sex is no different. Do you remember when you first began to play lacrosse?
Michael: Yes, I couldn't catch the ball.
Q: Exactly. And then you learned to catch the ball. And you learned how to keep possession. And you learned how to pass, how to defend, how to shoot. It's a process, Mike. But it all begins, I suppose, with a fantasy.
Michael: Yeah.
(He offers this one word with a big, open smile on his face.)
Q: So what do you fantasize about?
(The big, open smile suddenly turns tight-lipped. Muted.)
Q: I fantasize about hair. I love curls. I love curls that fall, sort of haphazardly, over the forehead. I like the way some women brush that curl away.
(Mike’s look reads: That’s weird. Why are you telling me that?)
Q: It’s a fantasy, Mike. You keep it in the cupboard of your mind. You bring it out when you want. We all have our cupboards.
(Mike seems like he’s had enough. He seems like he wants to eat. A disclaimer: it’s a few hours before the Thanksgiving meal and the turkey is cooking in the oven. Eating is on all of our minds.
But then Mike does that teenager thing and surprises you with a question seemingly from left field. It’s left for you later to connect the dots.)
Michael: Why aren't you married?
Q: Marriage just isn't for me, Mike. Some people need to be married, need to be able to lean on someone. I need my freedom. Actually, it’s not freedom so much as time. I hoard time. I can’t get enough time. I don’t want outside demands on my time.
Michael: Have you ever been married?
Q: No.
Michael: Then how do you know you'd lose your freedom?
Q: Good question. I don't know the answer to that. I can tell you that there are a lot of different ways to live your life. Marriage, children, those are options. So is a life of singularity. So is a life of polygamy, as we've seen lately in the news. So is a life of celibacy. These are choices, Mike. You experiment and you find what's right for you.
(Mike nods his head. His nose suddenly catches a whiff of what’s in the oven. At the same moment Melanie walks into the room. Melanie is Mike's fraternal twin. Mike's older by ten minutes.)
Q: Well, Mike, I thank you for your time and honesty. Melanie, I have some questions for you... Sponsored by EnterTo.com the first REAL spam free email
Click Below to discover and share content from anywhere on the web
More articles by Brian Josepher |
