Ask B, Relationship Expert

mail

register for spam free email

Web EnterTo

Ask B, Relationship Expert

Dear B,
I am the bride. The groom has 3 daughters. I have known, loved, and enjoyed all 3 girls for years. The groom and I recently decided to get married. One HUGE problem – daughter #3, the youngest, the most needy (financially and emotionally), the most spoiled, and sometimes really mean, she decided that at about age 15 (10 years ago) to be horrible to me, and she has never stopped. She throws fits, refuses to talk, asks that I leave the house if she’s coming for a visit, ignores me if I’m in the same room, and she will probably make this wedding a living hell. Her father seems to agree. He is very worried that she will not talk to him, not participate in family functions, and blame him. What can we do?
– Step Mom

Dear Step Mom,
Wow, I bet George Bush wishes for the kind of power your stepdaughter has in your home. Imagine, he could bomb Iran and North Korea, and decimate Iraq, and win the Nobel Prize for Peace – all in the same afternoon. Why didn’t you and the girl’s father establish some boundaries ten years ago? Now we’re seeing the consequences.
If you wrote this letter to some of my more famous colleagues in the advice column game, they would tell you to seek out an alternative wedding. Elope, for instance. Here at Ask B, we go for the jugular. Based on her past behavior, and your inability to correct the behavior, I wouldn’t invite her to the wedding. There are consequences in life. If you act like an ass, you get treated like an ass. This is the lesson you should have taught her ten years ago.
I know you’ll disregard this advice. I know you’ll invite her and I know she’ll explode at the wedding in some form and the day will be ruined. Let me just give you one hint: Don’t spend too much on a wedding dress. Those stains from the red wine she throws at you – they’re not coming out.

Dear B,
My girlfriend loves your column. I love my girlfriend. Sometimes, when we are out in a group or with my girlfriend’s close-knit family, I feel like my girlfriend acts fake. Attention-greedy, goofy, childish. As the months have passed and the other parts of “us” have grown and progressed, this thing has remained an issue. I’m sort of famously neurotic and am struggling to not react so badly to this. We go out, she does this act, I get so annoyed. She’s like a different person when we are alone!
I hate to hurt her feelings, and otherwise we are very in love. She gets very defensive and takes it as an attack on her character, says I don’t “accept her.” I don’t want her to change per se, but it drives me nuts. And frankly, it makes me less attracted to her to see her act like a 12-year-old with our friends. I want this to work with her; how do I get past this? How do I talk to her about this? She just becomes angry and says I am trying to control her. We’ve been talking engagement, and I want to figure this out before we move forward. Any ideas?
– Irritated To Say The Least

Dear Irritated,
Of course you want her to change. That’s the advice you’re seeking here. Your whole letter should read – if you weren’t so passive-aggressive – “Dear B, how can I change her?”
Here’s how you can change her. Recognize her distress. Recognize her social discomfort. Recognize that she’s suffering from some issues of self-confidence during social interactions. Recognize that there’s nothing strange about that. Many of us feel awkward in social situations. Many of us have some kind of social phobia. Guess what? You do too. You just couch your fears in a more adult word: neurotic.
Flip the coin, Irritated. She’s accepting your neuroses. Why are you unwilling to accept hers? The question is: Can you accept this woman for all that she is? Can you work through your own issues while simultaneously allowing her to grow and prosper in whatever way she does? Do you know what that’s called? That’s called an adult relationship. You clearly haven’t matured from the adolescent kind.

Now let’s hear from the grandparents.

Dear B,
Our grandson has filed for a legal separation from his wife of less than one year. They are not living together. Should we send her a Christmas gift, which seems the generous thing to do? Or would that somehow seem to be making a statement of some sort that it would not be our place or our wish to make?
– Perplexed Grandmother

Dear Perplexed Grandmother,
I sense that you really like this woman. I sense that your grandson’s breakup broke your heart a little. I can understand that. I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. About a decade ago, I fell deeply in love. My girlfriend – Amy, I’ll call her – was very attached to her mother. And for good reason. The mother – Jo, I’ll call her – was warm, intuitive, psychologically astute, a good listener. She also was in the early stages of serious arthritis and that made her vulnerable.
I soon became attached to Jo. When the relationship with Amy died, the relationship with Jo died too. Amy couldn’t tolerate my continuing a friendship with her mother. Amy wanted to control everything she touched.
I felt a great sense of loss. In a way losing Jo was harder than losing Amy. In time, the grief of losing Amy passed. A decade later, I still feel a tug when I think about Jo.
I think it’s completely fine for you to send a gift to this woman. I say that with one condition. Your grandson must give his permission.

Dear B,
I am a mother of a divorced son. He and his ex-wife have joint custody of their four children ranging in age from 11 to 18. It is a bad situation in which she fought for full custody and has not been happy with the custody or the financial settlement decided by the mediator and judge. My son’s ex-wife has been eroding the relationship between the children and my son over the past three years by talking against him. The oldest, a girl, took sides with her mom and chose to live only with her from Day One of the divorce. Now the son, 14, wants to only be with his mom. Over the years, I’ve given checks to the children for their birthdays and Christmas, and I’ve never received any kind of acknowledgment from the older two, unless they are with my son. I don’t have much feeling for them anymore. I live about 1,000 miles away from them, so I only see them once a year. What do you think I should do?
– Wondering Grandma

Dear Wondering Grandma,
I think you should reevaluate your feelings. What do you mean you don’t have “much feeling for them anymore”? That sounds displaced to me. I think you have a great deal of anger toward your grandchildren’s mother. I think you’re heartbroken when you look at your son’s family. I think, because of that pain, you’re making an incision. You’re taking the photograph of the whole family and you’re cutting away what’s too painful to look at.
In your case, Wondering Grandma, disregard what I wrote to the woman above (Step Mom). Sometimes relationships come around. I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. My parents divorced, splitting up a young family. Eventually, my mother found another man to share her life with. He moved in. During one memorable family vacation, my younger sister threw a fit. “I hate him! I hate him!” she screamed at my mother, regarding the newcomer to our family. Her venom, for a 6-year-old, was astounding.
This scene took place in a parked car. My mother’s companion had just stepped outside to take a closer look at some land up for development. He couldn’t have been more than twenty feet away. He must have heard the entire fit.
As fate would have it, my younger sister turned out to have the healthiest relationship with my mother’s (former) companion.
Be patient, Wondering Grandma. Continue to send gifts. Just don’t expect anything in return. One day, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Now let’s hear from the kids.

Dear B,
I am 11-years-old. Last summer I met someone at my friend’s birthday party who seemed nice so we exchanged e-mails. Sometimes we forward messages to each other, like chain letters or photographs. Just yesterday she e-mailed me a chain letter and the letter had a virus on it. The virus deleted a lot of my files and so when I told her not to forward anything else to me, she called me “Little Miss Hypocrite” and some other mean things. When I told her it was because of a virus she said, “Riiiggghhtt. Of course.” Really sarcastic. I really feel like marching up to her and slapping her in the face.
– Stressed Out in California

Dear Stressed Out,
If you marched up to her and slapped her in the face, what would that prove? Do you think that act would alleviate your anger? A slap in the face heals pretty quickly. Anger does not.
What’s my advice here? To be careful. Yes, be open. Yes, make friends. But recognize that trust takes time. And even when there’s trust, sometimes the relationships don’t work out. In this case, walk away from this girl. Move on. Doing so will be a sure sign of great maturity.

Dear B,
I am almost 13, and recently I have wanted a Mohawk haircut. My Dad hates the idea. For the last four months I have been growing my hair out, hoping I could get it cut in a Mohawk style, but he still hates it. I think my Dad has issues when it comes to hair. Please help me.
– Sad With No Mohawk

Dear Sad,
I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. When I was about your age, I really wanted a crew cut. Don’t ask me why. I just thought the style was really neat. My mother was against it. She didn’t forbid me – a parent really shouldn’t forbid a teenager from changing his or her hairstyle – but she made it clear that she would be upset. One day, I just went out and did it. I remember the razor humming against my head. I remember the hair falling everywhere. I remember the piles of hair accumulating on the tiles.
Well, I walked into the house and my mother smiled. She liked my new haircut! At least, that’s the impression she gave. Turns out she didn’t like it. But her parenting skills were excellent. She didn’t show her displeasure. She realized there were more important issues to deal with.
My advice to you here? Let your father read this. Your letter is thoughtful. Hopefully the two of you can discuss this issue in a calm manner. I think after reading this, he’ll see your side of the equation. Now one question, are you going to dye your Mohawk a different color? If so, I vote for platinum blond.

Dear B,
I have these two little brothers and they don’t give me my personal space. They walk in my room while I’m changing or taking a shower and they won’t leave. They go through my stuff and take whatever they want. I try to talk to my mom but she doesn’t do anything. She’s so busy all the time, like from working and going to school. My parents are divorced and my mom is going back to college. I want to get a lock on my door. My mom won’t let me. What should I do?
– Ellen in Illinois

Dear Ellen,
As the saying goes, I can feel your pain. I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. When I was a boy, my sisters used to hide out in my closet at night. I would shut the lights off and get under my blankets, all snug. At that very moment, they would jump out of the closet. SURPRISE! They thought it was funny. I was terrorized. In fact, only recently in my life have I stopped checking the closets before going to sleep.
Ellen, I think that a lock on your door is not the answer. I think that maybe trying to spend some more time with your mom is a better idea. Have you told your mom that you miss her? I think you should.

Dear B,
Me and my crush are both 12 and we’re at a big point in our relationship. He is going way too fast for me. He wants to do things I don’t (like french kissing and stuff). How do I tell him to slow down and keep him my boyfriend?
– Kathleen in Carolina

Dear Kathleen,
I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. When I was your age, I was the timid one and my girlfriend, or crush as you now say, wanted to do stuff like french kissing. She would take me into the closet. I would try, but after a few minutes I would feel really uncomfortable. I’d make up some excuse, like cold sores on my lips, and I’d walk away. One day, I saw my crush kissing my best friend in the tire pyramid during recess. I think they might have been french kissing. I was heartbroken.
Perhaps that’s why all of my relationships as an adult end in heartbreak. But that’s a different story.
As for you, Kathleen, you don’t have to make up some lie (like cold sores on your lips) to slow the relationship down. What you need to do is to feel comfortable in the pace. Go with your instinct here. And do you know what? If you lose your crush, it’s not the worst thing. Ask your parents how many crushes they had in school. I bet it’s a lot.

I think that’s enough from the kids but I want to thank all the preteens for writing in. If you don’t see your letter here, write to me again. Maybe next time, I’ll tackle your problem. Let’s move on to the jocks.

Dear B,
Last week former Senator George Mitchell released his report on steroids in baseball. The report, just the tip of the iceberg in my opinion, named nearly 90 players. What’s the biggest name on the list in your estimation?
– Ban Clemens from the Hall of Fame

Dear Ban Clemens,
I usually try to stick to relationship questions in this column, but I’m going to make an exception in this case. From the way you signed your letter, you clearly think that Roger Clemens is the biggest name on the list. I don’t disagree, but that’s old news. I find the information on the journeymen, rather than the stars, much more compelling. Take a player like Todd Hundley. He meets Kirk Radomski, a clubhouse attendant with the Mets. Radomski becomes Hundley’s steroid supplier. In 1999, Hundley gets traded from the Mets to the L.A. Dodgers. Hundley of course maintains his business relationship with Radomski. He also hooks up other players. During the 2000 season, 11 players on the Dodgers used steroids supplied by Radomski, according to the Mitchell report. We have Hundley to thank for that. One of those players, Eric Gagne, set a record that year: 84 consecutive saves. What does Major League Baseball do with that record now? Is an asterisk beside it good enough?
The Mitchell report proved that journeymen spread performance-enhancing substances. We identify Barry Bonds (and now Roger Clemens) as the face of the steroid era in baseball. Perhaps we need to amend that. Perhaps the face of the steroid era in baseball is really a hard-living, weak-hitting (despite the steroids) catcher named Todd Hundley.

Dear B,
Can we drop all the advice talk and get down to the key issue of the day? A few months back, I wrote to you regarding the Denver Nuggets. I know you’re a diehard fan and I wanted to get your take on their chances this season. In your answer you said you were planning an NBA preview. A quarter of the season is gone, dude. Where’s the preview?
– Anthony and A.I. all the way

Dear Anthony and A.I. all the way,
I usually try to stick to relationship questions in this column, but I’m going to make an exception in this case. Listen, I would love to sit here and predict that my team, the Denver Nuggets, has a legitimate shot at the NBA title. Believe me, it would give me great joy. The Denver Nuggets have never even advanced to the conference championship round, let alone the league championship round. But this isn’t the year for Denver. This isn’t the team. Carmelo Anthony is a spoiled immature brat who doesn’t understand anything about sacrifice (Irritated To Say The Least, you might have some things in common with Melo). When your best player won’t sacrifice for the good of the team, you’re not going to win. Oh, and then there’s a little coaching problem. George Karl is the Carmelo Anthony of the coaching establishment.
The team to watch, as always, is the San Antonio Spurs. Watch how they play. Beautifully choreographed. Understanding space and angle. Moving without the ball. Grasping the nuance of sacrifice for the overall good. The Spurs, if healthy, are heads and shoulders above the competition.
In the East, the popular pick is the Boston Celtics. Certainly, the addition of Kevin Garnett has elevated that team to elite status. If anyone knows about sacrifice on the basketball floor, it is KG. However, I like Detroit. Defensively, they match up perfectly with Boston: Rasheed Wallace covers Garnett, Tayshaun Prince matches up with Paul Pierce, Rip Hamilton defends Ray Allen. For Boston, who covers Chauncey Billups? I think this is the year Detroit goes to the finals… and loses to the Spurs in the seventh game.

Sponsored by EnterTo.com the first REAL spam free email

Click Below to discover and share content from anywhere on the web