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Ask B, Relationship Expert

Hi B,
Do I have a problem? Is my head in the sand? Whaddaya think?
I’ve been divorced for four years and I’m the custodial mother of three kids. I work all the time, like any other parent. When the workday is over, I go home and hang with my kids. I take them to museums, we watch Frank Capra films, we bake together. I like hanging out with my kids and I’m aware that I work extra hard being a good parent because their dad is a lazy, abusive shit.
That’s not the problem. Like many divorced moms, I also have a very concerned mother who thinks I should be getting myself out there and dating. So I tried a few Internet dating sites and went on a few dates after corresponding with fellas who seemed reasonable. I met a few really nice men. I even had a few sparks.
But B, I just don’t want to date. I can’t be bothered. No matter how strong the attraction and delight in being with a great guy, after a few dates I know I’m going to start canceling dates soon. I’ve got enough going on that I don’t want to add some guy to the mix. I love my family unit with my kids and don’t want to bring in some guy who seems fine and then loses it (like their dad did).
So what do you think?
– Busy Mom

Dear Busy Mom,
In reading your letter I’m reminded of the Museum of Contemporary Art in Iran and Francis Bacon’s Two Figures Lying on a Bed with Attendant housed there. The painting is a triptych of two naked men. In Iran, scenes of nakedness, and particularly scenes of homoerotic nakedness, are not permissible. The middle panel of the triptych has a black cloth over it. In viewing the piece, there’s this urge to peek. To lift off the cloth. To pull it away. To expose the truth.
It sounds to me like you have a similar triptych. You have three voices buzzing in your head. Your own voice wondering if it’s okay to commit to singularity. Your mother’s voice imploring you to date. And society’s voice demanding that you partner up.
Two of these voices have a taxing quality to them. You used the word “concerned” for your mother. I think you were just being kind. I think a better word would be pleading. Not requesting or even advising. Begging. “Like many divorced moms,” your sentence might now read, “I also have a mother begging for me to go out there and date.”
As with the beggar on the street, you have a decision to make. But once you’ve made that decision, you walk away and go on with your life. That’s the attitude you should take with your mom.
As for the societal voice, there’s this perception, and who knows where it began, that there’s someone perfect for all of us out there, if we can only find him/her. Society functions on this perception. In fact, it’s a fundamental building block. Finding that special someone leads to camaraderie, to completion. Finding that special someone leads to less loneliness.
The perception is a myth. Finding that special someone might lead to more loneliness, less completion. Finding that special someone might lead to divorce, to writing to a relationship columnist that your ex-husband is a “lazy, abusive shit.”
The societal voice doesn’t go into this side of the equation. The societal voice preaches fantasy.
The third voice here, like the middle panel in Bacon’s painting in Iran, has a black cloth over it. The black cloth of doubt. The black cloth of insecurity. You’re writing to me asking for advice but you’re really asking for permission. Is it healthy to reject companionship? Is it healthy to maintain your fatherless family unit?
I would argue, Busy Mom, that your family unit is as healthy as any around. Taking your kids to museums, watching Capra films together, baking together – that sounds wonderfully nourishing. I think a lot of readers out there, considering their own family histories, might be jealous of the image you’ve presented.
I would only add this. Somehow, someway, you need to redirect your anger regarding your ex-husband. In your case, you have a long, difficult relationship with this man. But that’s not how your children read it. This is how your children read it: Mom hates dad. Dad must be a bad man.
Children should not think of their fathers as bad. That enforces the notion that men in general are bad. And whether you believe in that or not, that’s not healthy for your children’s development.

Dear B,
My boyfriend told me around last year summertime that I needed to lose weight if I wanted to wear my favorite bikini. Now I don’t even want to undress in front of him. I feel judged and rejected. What should I do?
– Belittled in Bikini

Dear Belittled in Bikini,
I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. About a decade ago, I told my then girlfriend that she “waddled” when she walked. I can’t remember now why I said this. Clearly, I was reacting to some issue between us. My girlfriend, I can assure you, wasn’t a penguin. Penguins waddle. Humans do not.
But I was hurt and lashing out. Men lash out by criticizing the female body. It’s the lesson we learn from society. We’re taught, as men, that there’s a perfect body form. We’re taught that women should be going after that form. We have our image of that form in our heads and we hold that picture up against the woman in the room.
Women lash out by telling men how emotionally or psychologically unequipped they are. It’s the lesson women learn from society. Men are emotionally stunted. Men watch football. Men drink beer. Men buy cars. Men don’t talk in substantive, introspective terms on emotion.
My girlfriend never forgave the “waddling” comment. Why? We never really addressed it. We waddled around the waddling comment. And it festered. And it built up resentment. And it built up frustration. And when the end came, it stung.
You now have a big job in front of you: to tell your boyfriend exactly what you’re feeling. Be very clear. Explain why he hurt you. Explain the consequences of that hurt. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t send a message. This is not a subliminal advertisement. Use very clear, thoughtful language, in a clear, thoughtful voice. There are a number of things on the line. Your self-esteem. The future of your relationship. How you view men.
Do not, under any circumstances, return fire with fire. Don’t run down a list of his awfuls. Again, be honest with your feelings. This is about you. Make him understand your perspective.
What are you hoping to achieve here? Yes, you want a sincere apology. That’s important. But more importantly, you need to know that he gets it. You need to trust that this sort of intolerable commentary never happens again.
That only happens through training. We need to train each other. This is where you start. You can turn a deep hurt into something relationship building.
Women don’t waddle, Belittled in Bikini. Penguins do.

Dear B,
I’m in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed and that in fact I should pay him for sex. One time he made me give him $20. And I did it! The problem is I love him. I love him and I’ve never loved anyone like this before. Can you help me?
– In Love So Bad It Hurts

Dear In Love So Bad It Hurts,
You’ve worked your way into quite a confusion. You’re not “In Love So Bad It Hurts.” You are addicted. Your letter reads like an alcoholic’s, or a cocaine addict’s, or a nymphomaniac’s. You can’t say no. You’re perfectly willing to demean yourself. You’ve lost all sense of integrity. You have no value.
Let me ask you this: What happens the next time he asks for cash after sex? Do you fork over the 20? What happens when 20 isn’t enough? Will you be throwing him 100s?
Sex in this case represents power. He’s on top of you, both literally and figuratively. He’s the king and he demands it that way. You’re the slave and you find function in that role. You don’t have to make the decisions. You don’t have the pressure of independence. Let’s look back at biblical history. It was easier for the Jews to be slaves in Egypt. The Pharaoh told them what to do, what to wear, what to think. When they finally gained their independence, the Jews experienced a collective shock. That led to forty years of wandering. Independence wasn’t easy. They had to learn how to govern themselves (this is still an issue, by the way; Israel struggles with real issues of self-governance).
But it’s no surprise that the man who led the Jews out of bondage, Moses, grew up in the royal class. He didn’t have to learn the lessons of independence. He’d been brought up in them. He could aspire to the philosophical and climb Mount Sinai.
You, on the other hand, have to learn the lessons of independence or dwell in this form of 21st century bondage.

Dear B,
I am gay and in love with a classmate. I told him I was in love with him and wanted him, and he just looked at me and walked away, without saying anything. He’s so fine! Is there a chance he is still gay?

I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. In my freshman year of college, a guy asked me out. I’d never before been asked out by a man. I’d grown up in a very heterosexual way. I didn’t know what to say. I said nothing. I felt embarrassed. I felt humiliated.
Do you know why? I realized at that moment that I had all kinds of prejudices against gays. Covert prejudices. Subversive prejudices. I thought I was the tolerant type. I thought I was free of prejudice. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I confronted my prejudices. Five or so years later, I moved to the Castro in San Francisco. The Castro is the gay ghetto. I surrounded myself with gay men. I was probably the only single, straight man in the Castro. My landlords, a gay couple named Mark and Mark (that’s another issue, lovers with the same name), didn’t understand what a single, straight man was doing in the Castro. I was cleansing myself of this unctuous prejudice.
That’s my experience. Your fellow might not have felt the embarrassment or the humiliation, or even the prejudice, but he did resort to silence and he did walk away. This guy is not gay.
I will also say this: You owe this guy an apology. Not for asking him out. Had you asked him out in a courteous manner there wouldn’t be a problem here. But you asked this man out in a really lecherous way. Did you really tell him that you wanted him? Did you say you loved him? Did you tell him that he was fine? Can you be any more moronic?
There’s something to be said for courtship. There’s something to be said for grace. It’s called respect. If you continue to ask men out with such blatant disregard, you’ll continue to write letters like this.

Dear B,
My girlfriend has a history of cheating on boyfriends and I know she has cheated on me numerous times. I have confronted her on the issue and she blames it on her disorder. She’s diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She takes medicine and she sees a therapist. She also says that because of the disorder she doesn’t think about how it will affect me when she does these things. I was wondering if you could offer me some insight on this or what we could possibly do to help the situation?
Thanks so much,
C

Dear C,
I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. About a decade ago, my then girlfriend had a habit of cheating on me. In her case, it wasn’t a bipolar diagnosis but rather a bottomless insecurity. By cheating on me, she was attempting to grab and hold power. And it worked. She held the reins, until I broke away. Finally.
In this case, you have a double whammy. You have a cheating partner, and a partner who can provide a cover. Actually it’s a triple whammy because she’s ostensibly doing something about her disorder. She’s taking medicine. She’s in therapy. Where does this leave you?
It leaves you with a question. Can you tolerate her behavior? Or better yet, do you have any confidence in the relationship as it stands? Maturity is all about taking responsibility. This is something she does not currently understand. Will she ever?

Dear B,
I love your advice column. Trouble is, I now think of you all the time. What can stop this infatuation?
– Confounded in Colorado

Dear Confounded in Colorado,
Advising you not to read my column wouldn’t be in my interest. I need the readership, particularly the sympathetic readership (you should see the hostile mailbag). As for you, I would call you courageous. After reading my columns, and reading about the state of relationships in America, you still view relationships as a healthy lifestyle. I don’t know if I can say the same thing. But, as my faithful readers know, I grew up in suburban Denver and I do love the Colorado type. So, send pics.

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