honesty, honestly

hmmm...a weekend full of honesty. or sometimes the lack thereof.

So I went to a gay club. Correction: the gayest place I've ever been in my life. Keeping in mind I have been to both the Castro and Disneyland numerous time. This place was GAY...the music was like a bass explosion of techo-remix on acid during a seizure. Complete with a disco ball that may have in fact been bigger than my apartment. Add in the strobe light and the hundreds of gyrating boy-toys (one that was drinking white wine on the dance floor...homo says what?) and you had yourself a queen-filled experience.

Regardless...I was there. Why? I dunno...it's where I'm supposed to go, I guess. And while it is mildly enjoyable it also seemed to leave me unsettled. I feel pressured to like it. Hard to explain to those of the sexual norm...but you get this slight panic when you go against the gay grain. For instance...these bars in WeHo. I don't hate them...but I dont love them either. I kind of view them as a necessary experience. Not good, not bad...it just is.

But honestly...I would rather meet guys somewhere else. Just don't tell the others.

Sometimes though honesty comes through when you need it. In some effort at decency I will keep this description purposefully vague...but I met a guy at this club. From the get-go not my usual type, but I let that pass. So one good thing led to another and I ended up at his place...where, in a moment of enlightenment, I decided to be blatantly honest and say that certain things were not going to happen. And that if he didn't see it the same way, I would gracefully make an exit, no harm, no foul.

But it worked out. Score one for daring, if not necessary, honesty.

And sometimes it's kind of a draw. Sometimes it's better to keep honesty close to the vest; sometimes to protect yourself, sometimes to protect others. How do you tell someone you love that you think they're wrong? How effective can a lie be if you're telling it to yourself? (answer being: more effective than you might think) What about when you know others are worried about your well-being? How do express a change of heart, a disappointment, a realization? Especially the last one...there are few things harder than seeing the truth about something and waiting for everyone else to catch up.

I dunno...the truth is I'm up in the air. Sprawled out in bed last night running a triple-digit fever with nothing but time, there's lots of freedom to reflect. Truth is a funny thing. I've been watching a lot of "House" lately, and Dr. House says everyone lies...and what they lie about tells you what's most important in their lives.

All in all, I think truth won out this weekend, as it tends to do.
But truth is in the eye of the believer.

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