Letting go

What does letting go mean? I just said goodbye to a friend who is leaving for Romania. Am I letting go? Heck no! I would hang on and keep her here. Now I’ll be thinking about her for a long while. Then maybe when I don’t think about her so much, I will start to let go. My mom never quite let go of me and I certainly have not let go of my children! Especially now that my son’s fiancée has given birth to a beautiful little boy. They are 1200 miles away and I feel so bad that I can’t be there. I should, shouldn’t I? But life today is that way. We don’t stay in one place like our ancestors did. We have international jobs, international lives, the internet keeps us connected and we think, this is it! The best of both worlds, get to see other parts of the world and everyone lives their own lives. Our kids are grown now, they have their own lives to live. They won’t even miss us. But do we miss them! And it’s not the same. You can’t hug your adult son on Messenger. You might not be able to hug him in person anyway, but you still feel bad about it! I know I do. My baby just had a baby! But maybe the reason I want to be there is so I can tell them what to do.

Today I learned that someone who I loved very much has died. He died yesterday, and his daughter, my friend, told me by email. Of course, I’m 1200 miles away, but a phone call would have been nice. This man was a second father to me. I went to the countryside for the first time with them when I was 6 or 7 years old. He was always very caring and patient with me. Both of my friend’s parents were. One of the last times I saw him, I introduced him to my then-future now husband. At the end of the evening, he gave me a big hug and said, “You’re not asking for my approval, but I will give it to you anyway.” I called my friend as soon as I picked up the email and asked how she was holding up. He had been sick for a while, it was kind of like a relief, he was in such pain!

Psychologists say that it takes a whole year to heal completely after a loss. You have to go through all anniversaries and holidays making new memories.

There are times I question the wisdom of moving to another country. I was doing well in Canada. Real well, in fact. I had my cute little apartment, with my daughter in a beautiful city, Montréal. I had my friends, my mother, my family and a great job. Why then? Was it because I absolutely needed a man in my life? No. Was it because I was so in love with my American that everything else took second place? Yeah. I don’t regret it. Really. But sometimes I wish I had not been so rash in my decision. But then when would I have moved? When both my kids were settled in a permanent relationship? Define permanent. Maybe when I was rich enough and could go back and forth between the two countries? Well, that might never happen. And it sure is nice to be in a place where summers last so long, where you can start your garden in the middle of February.

I don’t think we ever truly let go. We might not think about it, but then something reminds us of an event or a person and we’re back to square one. But why? Why are we like that? Do birds think about their little ones once they throw them off the nest? We’re emotional people. Are we all like that? Do we all, to some degree, just cope?

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